“All Hell breaks loose when you have your second baby.”
At least, that’s what an article said that I read shortly before Oliver was born.
I don’t know if I’m just lucky, but I’m almost four months in, and that has yet to happen.
As I anxiously awaited the arrival of Oliver, I clung to the days I had left with just my firstborn. I kept (selfishly) thinking how I loved our life how it was right now. I felt guilty that my new baby wouldn’t get the same undivided attention Jack had gotten for so long.
It had taken me a long time to want to have another child after Jack. My pregnancy with him was difficult (from morning sickness to depression and being in school the whole time.) While he was, and has always been a sweet child, his first few years were difficult.
I worried about how Jack would handle things. He seemed to understand that we were having a new baby – and he seemed rather excited. But I couldn’t help but wonder if he really understood what was going on.
Sometimes I think I underestimated him. To be honest, I think he was more ready for it than I was.
I also worried about how I would handle caring for and loving two tiny human beings. I knew I loved Jack SO much, and I didn’t think it was quite possible for me to love another child as much.
Well, those fears washed away as soon as he was laid on my chest. I was even more relieved when Jack met Oliver for the first time. From the moment he first met him, he’s been so caring and gentle.
For weeks after Oliver was born, Jack would tell me, “I’ve just waited so long for Oliver. I’m so happy he’s in our family.”
I’ve only been a mom of two for a few months, so I can’t give you all the advice in the world about having two children. I’m sure we have many ups and downs ahead.
But what I can tell you is that it will be okay. Yes, there will be hard days. I’m sure I have plenty ahead. But there’s nothing sweeter than seeing your oldest child become an older sibling, and the good days far outweigh the bad. My mom always tells me that the greatest gift they gave their children was each other – and I am starting to understand why she thinks that.
You may feel guilty at times that you can’t give either child 100% of your time. In the beginning, a lot of that attention will have to be toward your baby. And that’s okay. Just remember that sometimes you will have to choose which child to attend to – just make sure that sometimes, you choose the oldest child first (these parent-child mini date kits are a great way to connect with them!)
And the thing is – you don’t have to divide your attention all the time. Involving your older child in the care of the baby can be such a sweet experience. Allow your children to bond – keep your new baby safe, but don’t be afraid to let your older child help.
Through the three short months that I’ve had two children, I’ve discovered this – the heart has an infinite capacity for love. You’ll love your new child so much – and you might find yourself loving your older child even more as you see them become an older brother or sister.
So, if you find yourself pregnant with your second child and terrified to death…I promise it will be okay. No experience you read online dictates how yours will be. Not even this one. But go forward with a little courage and a positive outlook, and you might just be surprised. Trust yourself. Trust your child.
One day soon, you’ll ask yourself, “How did we ever live without this child?”
Originally posted in 2014; updated in 2019.
Katie is a Colorado-native, BYU graduated, and most importantly, wife to one and mother to three beautiful boys. She is passionate about sharing her experiences with others – especially about pregnancy, breastfeeding, cooking, and crafts. She is an International Board Certified Lactation Consultant. She loves spending time with her family and helping others find joy in family life.
Amber says
Thank you so much! This is what I really needed to hear right now. I’ve been searching the internet for someone to say what you just did. Your words were very encouraging and made me feel much better. We have one daughter and I just found out I am pregnant, so it is hard for me to fathom feeling as much love as I do for my second as I do my first. Sometimes we just need someone else to spell it out for us. You have made me feel much better and your words make a lot of sense. I wish you and your family all the best. (I have never commented on anything in my life but your words have really put my mind at ease. I had to let you know!) Thank you!
Stephanie says
Thank you! This was exactly the kind of article I needed to read in this moment, while full of anxiety for this second pregnancy and how it will affect my daughter!
Katie says
I’m so glad this was helpful 🙂
Kristyn says
I found your blog as I was scrolling through Pinterest, pinning to my new board for the precious baby girl we are welcoming in March. I have a beautiful 3 year old son, whom I just adore. I have talked to multiple people about this feeling of being afraid. And all I have been told is “you love them the same, it’s just different”. The “different” part, scares me. Your post has given me the most comfort out of all of the advice I’ve been given. Thank you for this. I teared up, I smiled, and held the hand of my sweet 3 year old as I read it.
Katie says
Thank you for your comment Kristyn. I am so glad that this post made you feel better – if you choose to, you will do awesome <3
Meagan says
Thank you for posting this! My husband and I have been talking about maybe having a second baby (our daughter is 2) and my biggest fears have been ‘what is she resents me’ or ‘feels like we don’t love her anymore’ or ‘what if I feel more love for the new one’ (not sure how I could love another more than I love my daughter), but it’s all these crazy scary thoughts that have made me resistant to the idea of another. Reading your article made me feel a little less like these are things I would feel. So thank you! 💕
Courtney says
I stumbled across your blog as I sit here 14 weeks pregnant and terrified of so many things. I go back and forth between excitement and fear multiple times a day. How will my daughter adjust to her baby brother? How will
I cope with two when I can barely handle the one I already have? I just wanted to say thank you!!! I needed this in such a big way. Ending the day on an excited note thanks to your calming, reassuring words.
Katie says
I’m so glad you found this post helpful <3 You are in for such a beautiful ride.
Mary says
I am sobbing reading this. I needed it so much and you hit the nail on the head. All of my fears and joys in one. My son is almost 4 and we are trying for another. Some parts of me want to just leave everything as it is but in my heart He will grow and I will regret not having another for us and for a sibling for him. Thank you s for being real and sharing!
Katie says
<3 <3 <3 I wish you the best of luck!
K. says
Oh how i needed this. I was so terrified with my first – I’ve never had a maternal instinct but knew I wanted a family, and then she came and she’s so perfect. But I just found out (today….) I’m expecting a second, while my little girl is now 16 months old. I’m so scared I won’t give her enough attention or love, or they will fight terribly, or I will not take good care of my first, or play with her enough, when I’m sick pregnant. And of course, there is no “ignorance is bliss” with what to expect with my pregnancy and labor any more, so that’s also scary.
This blog post has calmed me. I started crying seeing the pictures of your son with his baby brother – its beautiful and I realize I can’t wait to give that to my child, the chance to love a sibling like that. Thank you for this post.????
Katie says
Thank you for sharing – I’m so glad this was helpful to you. You will do so awesome <3 Congrats on your upcoming baby!
Marley says
I needed this ???? my anxiety over another baby is suffocating me at the moment.
Can I handle this?
Will the child I have now be okay? Will he hurt? Will he feel like he’s not enough? Can I be enough for them both etc.
So thank you for sharing! How was life changed since this post for you?
Katie says
You will do so great Marley! My boys are now 6 and almost 3. They definitely have sibling fights, but for the most part, they are the best of friends. I actually have been feeling sad lately that I haven’t had any more children yet, because I think the best thing in the world is for them to have each other <3
Alycen says
I’ve read several articles about this already but what I’m struggling with is wanting to commit to having a second baby after being pregnant for 8 months and hating it then spending a month in nicu.. now struggling with a preemie who is not gaining weight. I’d love for her to have as sibling but I just don’t know if I have the strength..
Katie says
Alycen – it sounds like you’ve had a rough go so far! My best advice is just to take it one day at a time. It honestly took me two and a half years to even fathom the thought of going through pregnancy again – let alone having another little newborn. You need to give yourself time to heal from what you’ve been through, especially with having a preemie. Never decide for or against another baby on your hardest day 🙂 I will say that giving my children each other is the best gift I could have given them. Though it took me awhile to get to that point 🙂 Enjoy that sweet little baby right now, and put a second baby on the back burner for a little bit 🙂
Heather says
Thank you, this is exactly what I needed to read, I’ve been so scared about having a second. This made me tear up, in a good way. Thank you!
Katie says
Oh I am so glad <3
Kathleen says
Thank you for your sweet and calming perspective. Gave me a much needed wave of peace.
Katie says
So glad to hear that <3 Best of luck!
Shani says
Thank you sooooo much
Grace says
We’re planning number 2 and this has changed my perspective a little thankyou!
Katie says
I’m so glad! Best of luck 🙂
Katie says
Thank you so much for this. I just found out I’m pregnant with number 2. My first is 19 months. I’m excited but so nervous. Your words made me feel better and I know I’ll be ok. Thank you again.
Katie says
Thanks for commenting, Katie 🙂 All will be well. I’m two years in to this two kid thing, and it gets better and better 🙂
Kristen says
Thank you for this! I’m currently pregnant with number 2. Our son is now 8 and I’m in hysterics trying to figure out what I’m doing and if I can do it with two. I’m sobbing like a hormonal baby right now. Thank you for the encouragement that I can do this.
Katie says
So glad that you found some comfort 🙂 I do believe life just gets better with two. XOXO
Michaela says
Thank you for this perspective, I am 37 weeks with our second and have struggled with this the whole pregnancy and it seems to be getting more intense and emotional as the due date gets closer and closer. I agree that I think my 3 year old son is going to be a great big brother to our little girl! But it is hard to think of all the changes with a second child, so for now I treasure our snuggles and moments together before we begin our next adventure as a family of 4.
Adrienne says
Love this! Everything I read seems so negative, but this post made me feel a bit more excited and less nervous about the arrival of baby 2 in about a month. Thanks for sharing your experience.
Katie says
I’m so happy to hear that 🙂 It really is a wonderful time. My son, Oliver, is now 16 months, and it really just gets better each month.
Jen says
Thank you SO MUCH for writing this! I just found out I am expecting number 2 and I was thrilled because we want it so badly! But today I got hit with overwhelming guilt and grief at the thought of it not just being our son and us alone. Your words have completely turned that around! Now I am more excited than ever to watch him grow into a big brother because I just know he’s going to love it. Seriously, thank you. I needed to read this!
Megan says
I needed to read this. My husband and I have just over a year old, like 1 year 29 days old little girl and found out we are expecting in August. Never been so terrified in my life! But this post gives me hope, so thank you.
Destini says
I am the proud mom of two amazing boys, now 2 and 5. I love your honesty. I went through the same fears and hesitations, but now could not imagine my life without these two amazing kids. Your heart has the incerdible capacity to not only love a second but expand to fully include that new little life. My boys seem to be made for each other; so different but so complementary. Thank you for writing this, we all need to be reminded and confirmed that the fears are real but pushing though is soooo worth it!
Katie says
Thank you for taking the time to comment – it means so much to me. I’m about a year into having two kiddos now, and I wouldn’t change it for anything. Like you said, my boys seem made for each other, and even when some days are hard, it is so worth it. Seeing my Jack become a big brother has been one of the sweetest experiences.
Megan Swanek says
Beautiful. I *just* POAS and found out I am pregnant with my 2nd through our 3rd round of IVF. Your article reminds me of how so many people freaked me out with my first that we would never sleep again, not be able to travel etc and it has been fine. You assurance helps me. What’s the age difference btw?
Katie says
Thank you! Congratulations on your pregnancy and your successful IVF – I can only imagine the emotions involved with that! I’m glad that this post resonated with you. One year in, and life is better than ever. My boys are 3.5 years apart.
Lisa says
I just want to say thank you so much! I’ve always been terrified to have another child. I love my first so much that I didn’t think it was possible to love another. I’m terrified about how my baby will react to no longer being the baby. After Reading this, my heart and mind are calm.
Katie says
It makes me happy that I could play a small part in helping you to feel more confident and calm about baby number 2. It is hard to imagine ever loving another child the same, but it’s amazing how easily it comes =)
Josalyn says
I remember feeling so guilty when I was about to have my second baby because my first’s life would be so traumatizingly different and my mom told me not to feel bad because I was giving her the best gift that I would ever be able to give her – a sister. I think about that a lot now that I have four of them. It’s so true! Thanks for the post.
Katie says
What great advice from your mom =) Thanks for stopping by!
Erika says
Thank you for this.
Katie says
You’re welcome!
Lauren says
I read this at just the right time. My little man will be a big brother and I’ve been watching our weeks together of just me and him slip by so fast. It has kept me up at night hoping everyone adjusts well and thinking of all the care a newborn needs. But I think you’re right, we underestimate how much our children understand at times. And he definitely seems as excited as can be. Thanks for sharing this.
Katie says
You’re welcome! =)
Kathleen says
Thank you for this! I just found out I am pregnant yesterday, And just the day before I told hubs I wasn’t ready to try for baby #2! So here I am searching the internet for comfort since I’m terrified!!
Katie says
Good luck! There’s truly nothing better than giving your child a sibling 🙂
Zoe says
Thank you ever so much for sharing! I’m not pregnant with number two yet but we are talking about it and this post has made me excited to have a second.. I never thought about “watching your firstborn grow into an older sibling” thing ☺️ It’s making my heart melt just thinking about it ??
Katie says
I’m so glad you enjoyed it! There’s nothing better than watching them interact 🙂
Brittany says
Thank you, thank you! I’m due with my second baby in August. My daughter is three and while she’s the absolute love of my life, she was a very high demand baby. I moved continents when she was a few weeks old and spent months, if not years, quite unhappy. I’ve been so scared of having this occur again and this article gives me so much comfort! I’m very excited but it’s definitely been tempered with fear. This has helped me!
Katie says
I am so glad that you stopped by! Good luck with baby #2!
Sara says
Thank you for these amazing uplifting words. I am scared and nervous for baby number 2 esp since they’ll only be a year and a half apart, but I know everything will work out. Glad I came across this post, feels good to be able to relate. 🙂
Katie says
Thanks for stopping by! Good luck with baby number 2 =)
Allison says
Thank you for this! Hubby and I are discussing having a second baby after a very hard pregnancy, labour/c-section, anxiety, PPD and PTSD. While I want to be realistic about the struggles I’m finding myself totally terrified.
Thank you for your honesty and optimism. 🙂
Katie says
Your’re welcome, and good luck! =)
Lauren says
Wow . Your words were very touching . I am currently pregnant with my second child , & to know that I’m not the only one with those fears feels great ! You gave me a great outlook & im looking forward to this new journey ! Thank you !
Katie says
Thank you so much for commenting. I’m so glad that you enjoyed this post. Having two children comes with its difficulties, but it’s truly a beautiful ride. Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy!
Christine says
I’m not pregnant with baby #2 yet, but I am so happy to have found this post. You talked about the very things that have made me feel slightly hesitant before. Thank you.
Katie says
You’re welcome! Good luck!
Stephanie says
I’m not pregnant with number two yet, but we are thinking about it. I have been so terrified. This helped put my mind at ease. Thank you for sharing.
Katie says
You’re welcome, Stephanie. This post was written for people like you 🙂 Best of luck!
Chelsea @ Life With My Littles says
So this for sure made me tear up. Seriously, having two is amazing! There’s really nothing to worry about. You’ll adjust and figure things out and then you’ll wonder what you did with one kid! We hit a rough patch between three and four months, but since then, it’s really been fine having two! And now I’m starting to think about having a third!!
Katie says
Thank you for your words of encouragement!