“All Hell breaks loose when you have your second baby.”
At least, that’s what an article said that I read shortly before Oliver was born.
I don’t know if I’m just lucky, but I’m almost four months in, and that has yet to happen.
As I anxiously awaited the arrival of Oliver, I clung to the days I had left with just my firstborn. I kept (selfishly) thinking how I loved our life how it was right now. I felt guilty that my new baby wouldn’t get the same undivided attention Jack had gotten for so long.
It had taken me a long time to want to have another child after Jack. My pregnancy with him was difficult (from morning sickness to depression and being in school the whole time.) While he was, and has always been a sweet child, his first few years were difficult.
I worried about how Jack would handle things. He seemed to understand that we were having a new baby – and he seemed rather excited. But I couldn’t help but wonder if he really understood what was going on.
Sometimes I think I underestimated him. To be honest, I think he was more ready for it than I was.
I also worried about how I would handle caring for and loving two tiny human beings. I knew I loved Jack SO much, and I didn’t think it was quite possible for me to love another child as much.
Well, those fears washed away as soon as he was laid on my chest. I was even more relieved when Jack met Oliver for the first time. From the moment he first met him, he’s been so caring and gentle.
For weeks after Oliver was born, Jack would tell me, “I’ve just waited so long for Oliver. I’m so happy he’s in our family.”
I’ve only been a mom of two for a few months, so I can’t give you all the advice in the world about having two children. I’m sure we have many ups and downs ahead.
But what I can tell you is that it will be okay. Yes, there will be hard days. I’m sure I have plenty ahead. But there’s nothing sweeter than seeing your oldest child become an older sibling, and the good days far outweigh the bad. My mom always tells me that the greatest gift they gave their children was each other – and I am starting to understand why she thinks that.
You may feel guilty at times that you can’t give either child 100% of your time. In the beginning, a lot of that attention will have to be toward your baby. And that’s okay. Just remember that sometimes you will have to choose which child to attend to – just make sure that sometimes, you choose the oldest child first (these parent-child mini date kits are a great way to connect with them!)
And the thing is – you don’t have to divide your attention all the time. Involving your older child in the care of the baby can be such a sweet experience. Allow your children to bond – keep your new baby safe, but don’t be afraid to let your older child help.
Through the three short months that I’ve had two children, I’ve discovered this – the heart has an infinite capacity for love. You’ll love your new child so much – and you might find yourself loving your older child even more as you see them become an older brother or sister.
So, if you find yourself pregnant with your second child and terrified to death…I promise it will be okay. No experience you read online dictates how yours will be. Not even this one. But go forward with a little courage and a positive outlook, and you might just be surprised. Trust yourself. Trust your child.
One day soon, you’ll ask yourself, “How did we ever live without this child?”
Originally posted in 2014; updated in 2019.
Amber says
Thank you so much! This is what I really needed to hear right now. I’ve been searching the internet for someone to say what you just did. Your words were very encouraging and made me feel much better. We have one daughter and I just found out I am pregnant, so it is hard for me to fathom feeling as much love as I do for my second as I do my first. Sometimes we just need someone else to spell it out for us. You have made me feel much better and your words make a lot of sense. I wish you and your family all the best. (I have never commented on anything in my life but your words have really put my mind at ease. I had to let you know!) Thank you!
Stephanie says
Thank you! This was exactly the kind of article I needed to read in this moment, while full of anxiety for this second pregnancy and how it will affect my daughter!
Katie says
I’m so glad this was helpful 🙂
Kristyn says
I found your blog as I was scrolling through Pinterest, pinning to my new board for the precious baby girl we are welcoming in March. I have a beautiful 3 year old son, whom I just adore. I have talked to multiple people about this feeling of being afraid. And all I have been told is “you love them the same, it’s just different”. The “different” part, scares me. Your post has given me the most comfort out of all of the advice I’ve been given. Thank you for this. I teared up, I smiled, and held the hand of my sweet 3 year old as I read it.
Katie says
Thank you for your comment Kristyn. I am so glad that this post made you feel better – if you choose to, you will do awesome <3
Meagan says
Thank you for posting this! My husband and I have been talking about maybe having a second baby (our daughter is 2) and my biggest fears have been ‘what is she resents me’ or ‘feels like we don’t love her anymore’ or ‘what if I feel more love for the new one’ (not sure how I could love another more than I love my daughter), but it’s all these crazy scary thoughts that have made me resistant to the idea of another. Reading your article made me feel a little less like these are things I would feel. So thank you! 💕
Courtney says
I stumbled across your blog as I sit here 14 weeks pregnant and terrified of so many things. I go back and forth between excitement and fear multiple times a day. How will my daughter adjust to her baby brother? How will
I cope with two when I can barely handle the one I already have? I just wanted to say thank you!!! I needed this in such a big way. Ending the day on an excited note thanks to your calming, reassuring words.
Katie says
I’m so glad you found this post helpful <3 You are in for such a beautiful ride.
Mary says
I am sobbing reading this. I needed it so much and you hit the nail on the head. All of my fears and joys in one. My son is almost 4 and we are trying for another. Some parts of me want to just leave everything as it is but in my heart He will grow and I will regret not having another for us and for a sibling for him. Thank you s for being real and sharing!
Katie says
<3 <3 <3 I wish you the best of luck!
K. says
Oh how i needed this. I was so terrified with my first – I’ve never had a maternal instinct but knew I wanted a family, and then she came and she’s so perfect. But I just found out (today….) I’m expecting a second, while my little girl is now 16 months old. I’m so scared I won’t give her enough attention or love, or they will fight terribly, or I will not take good care of my first, or play with her enough, when I’m sick pregnant. And of course, there is no “ignorance is bliss” with what to expect with my pregnancy and labor any more, so that’s also scary.
This blog post has calmed me. I started crying seeing the pictures of your son with his baby brother – its beautiful and I realize I can’t wait to give that to my child, the chance to love a sibling like that. Thank you for this post.????
Katie says
Thank you for sharing – I’m so glad this was helpful to you. You will do so awesome <3 Congrats on your upcoming baby!
Marley says
I needed this ???? my anxiety over another baby is suffocating me at the moment.
Can I handle this?
Will the child I have now be okay? Will he hurt? Will he feel like he’s not enough? Can I be enough for them both etc.
So thank you for sharing! How was life changed since this post for you?
Katie says
You will do so great Marley! My boys are now 6 and almost 3. They definitely have sibling fights, but for the most part, they are the best of friends. I actually have been feeling sad lately that I haven’t had any more children yet, because I think the best thing in the world is for them to have each other <3
Alycen says
I’ve read several articles about this already but what I’m struggling with is wanting to commit to having a second baby after being pregnant for 8 months and hating it then spending a month in nicu.. now struggling with a preemie who is not gaining weight. I’d love for her to have as sibling but I just don’t know if I have the strength..
Katie says
Alycen – it sounds like you’ve had a rough go so far! My best advice is just to take it one day at a time. It honestly took me two and a half years to even fathom the thought of going through pregnancy again – let alone having another little newborn. You need to give yourself time to heal from what you’ve been through, especially with having a preemie. Never decide for or against another baby on your hardest day 🙂 I will say that giving my children each other is the best gift I could have given them. Though it took me awhile to get to that point 🙂 Enjoy that sweet little baby right now, and put a second baby on the back burner for a little bit 🙂
Heather says
Thank you, this is exactly what I needed to read, I’ve been so scared about having a second. This made me tear up, in a good way. Thank you!
Katie says
Oh I am so glad <3
Kathleen says
Thank you for your sweet and calming perspective. Gave me a much needed wave of peace.
Katie says
So glad to hear that <3 Best of luck!
Shani says
Thank you sooooo much
Grace says
We’re planning number 2 and this has changed my perspective a little thankyou!
Katie says
I’m so glad! Best of luck 🙂