Most people have heard of postpartum depression. It’s a very real and often devastating problem that many women experience during their pregnancy. While in the past it was something that women didn’t talk about, and would suffer in silence over, in more recent years, it’s something that people talk about more, and women are more aware of. Which is wonderful.
However, what about antenatal depression (or prenatal depression.) According to BabyCenter.com, until recently, experts thought that pregnancy hormones helped prevent depression during pregnancy. However, it is now believed that not just the rapid decline in hormone levels after birth can cause depression, but the rapid increase during pregnancy can disrupt brain chemistry, resulting in depression. In fact, recently, a panel has called for depression screening not only after pregnancy, but during, because of it’s prevalence.
My Experience with Depression during Pregnancy
I always wanted to be a mom. Growing up, I always felt like that was what I was meant to be – a mother. Whenever we were asked what we wanted to be when we grew up, I always would write down mom. Even though I never knew when I would become a mother, I knew it was what I wanted to be.
Fast forward to July 4th of 2011. Forrest and I had just been married about six months, and we were both in the middle of classes. Some of my family had been visiting from Colorado, and had just left our home to go about an hour north to stay with one of my sister’s. Right after they left, I found out I was pregnant.
Despite always wanting to be a mom, I didn’t think this was the time. It was a surprise pregnancy. Instead of feeling joy and excitement, I felt scared and alone. I went up to my sister’s house later that day, and I was on the verge of tears the entire time. My family all thought I was just being weird and overly sad that Forrest had to work that day instead of coming with me. I was sad he wasn’t there, but mainly because I felt like I had no idea what was about to happen to my life. The icing on the cake was when my mom jokingly said, “Now none of you better have a baby in March, because I definitely can’t come out” (my dad does taxes, so that’s a rather stressful time.) Even though she was saying it all in fun, it just about made me burst into tears. I remember my brother-in-law, AJ, made some joke about how I was probably pregnant, since all my sisters were. Little did he know.
Over the next few weeks, my mood didn’t improve. I woke up in the middle of the night having serious panic attacks. I never experienced anything like that before, and I felt like I had no control over how I was feeling. I worried that my family would be mad at me for being pregnant (don’t ask me why, I have a very loving and supportive family), and I was sure my life was over (it didn’t help that half the things I would read online would say my life was over — note to self…don’t trust Yahoo answers for anything!) I thought about how I would never finish college, have a career, or get to travel with Forrest (never mind you I’ve never wanted a hard-hitting career, and I never really had a huge desire to travel anyways.) I felt like a completely different person — as my mom describes it, I went from happy, bubbly Katie, to *picture my mom making a deer in the headlights face.*
Around seven weeks, I started having horrible nausea and morning sickness, which lasted most of my pregnancy. Needless to say, that didn’t help matters. Most days I just walked around, feeling like I was in a daze. When I went to my first doctor’s appointment, I sat there and sobbed to the nurse. She was my saving grace that day, as she calmly sat there and listened to my (mostly irrational) fears. At that point, the only people who knew I was pregnant were Forrest, the doctor’s office, and a random lady who cut my hair a few weeks previous. Needless to say, at a time that I needed support the most, I didn’t have it (which was obviously by choice at that point.) Thankfully, Forrest is the most supportive husband ever. I’m not quite sure he survived those long nine months with me, but I’m forever grateful that he did. I think that took a lot of faith on his part!
I ended up dropping the two classes I was taking that summer because it was just too overwhelming. Most of my time that summer was spent in my room, while Forrest worked as a lifeguard at weird hours. I was working part-time at a museum, trying my best to cover up my nausea and general disinterest in life.
When I was 12 weeks pregnant, Forrest convinced me that we should finally tell our family members. I was still convinced that everyone would be mad at me (again with the irrational thoughts). As I should have expected, they were all excited and supportive. My three sisters were pregnant at that time too and were thrilled that we would all have a baby around the same time. Despite all their support, I was still feeling so lost.
Over the next 28 weeks, I tried my best to get over my depression and anxiety. I had a lot of guilt — there were so many women I knew who would do anything to be in my position, and here I was, pregnant without even trying and feeling completely distressed about it. I was constantly beating myself up about it. Despite it all, I knew I loved the baby that was preparing to come to our family. I loved him so much, that I felt guilty that he was going to be coming to a person like me — someone who was selfish, who was depressed. I knew he was going to have the best dad in the world, but when I was pregnant, I felt like I was worthless, impatient, and unworthy to be the mother of such a perfect human being.
I didn’t know where to turn. I channeled all my energy to making sure I did everything with my pregnancy right — I thought if I took anti-depressants, it would hurt my son. I refused to eat anything that might possibly hurt Jack (no lunch meat, hot dogs, or even cantaloupe.) As it turns out, overly worrying about things is a symptom of anxiety/depression during pregnancy.
There were a few moments throughout my pregnancy where I felt hope, all of which surrounded my sweet Jack. Feeling him kick for the first time, and seeing him in ultrasounds. I held onto those moments, because they gave me a glimpse of hope.
The moment I held Jack for the first time was a moment I never will forget. I felt like all the sadness and despair I had been feeling for the nine months prior disappeared. Those first few days in the hospital were perfect. When I went home, I did experience a little bit of postpartum blues, but after a few weeks, that was gone, too. Even though I had embarked on the hardest journey of my life, it was already the most worthwhile. Despite all I had gone through, it was all worth it — all my irrational thoughts were just that, and I was (and still am) completely in love with Jack.
Causes & Who is at Risk
While there are triggers for depression during pregnancy, someone who was happy every day of their life up until the day they got pregnant can still be overcome by depression. While there isn’t a firm cause, either, it’s likely because of the sudden surge of hormones, causing the chemistry in the brain to go awry. Below are some situations that may put a woman at a higher risk for experiencing depression while pregnant.
- History of depression or anxiety (either person or family)
- Difficulties with relationships (marital, family, etc.)
- Fertility issues
- Previous miscarriages or loss of child
- Stressful life events
- Past or present abuse
- Unplanned pregnancy
- A particularly challenging pregnancy (specifically due to health issues)
Deborah Gilboa, M.D. reinforces a few things about depression during pregnancy in this quote:
We’ve not identified one ’cause’ of prenatal depression any more than we can say there is one cause of depression in general. However, we do know what makes it more likely and other contributing factors. Women with a history of mood disorders — depression, anxiety, bipolar — are at higher risk of experiencing depression during pregnancy.
Symptoms of Prenatal Depression
Many women feel periods of sadness throughout pregnancy, and while those are definitely very tough, about 7 to 20 percent of women will experience prolonged depression during pregnancy. Many of the symptoms are emotions that pretty much every woman experiences while pregnant. However, if you find yourself experiencing this on a prolonged basis, and not just occasionally, you may be experiencing prenatal depression. Here are some symptoms of prenatal depression (from BabyCenter.com)
- A sense that nothing feels enjoyable or fun anymore
- Feeling blue, sad, or “empty” for most of the day, every day
- It’s harder to concentrate
- Extreme irritability or agitation or excessive crying
- Trouble sleeping or sleeping all the time
- Extreme or never-ending fatigue
- A desire to eat all the time or not wanting to eat at all
- Inappropriate guilt or feelings of worthlessness or hopelessness
- Panic attacks
- Frequent, recurrent concerns about your or your baby’s health or a frequent feeling that something terrible is about to happen.
- Feelings of guilt, anxiety or worthlessness
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Impaired concentration
- Changes to eating habits
- Weight gain (beyond normal pregnancy weight gain) or weight loss
- Difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much
- Lack of interest in activities that you usually enjoy
- Recurring thoughts of death or suicide
As I read through this list, I had a lot of these symptoms on a regular basis. While I was pregnant, I didn’t really address the fact that I was, indeed, depressed. I just felt like I would be sad, exhausted, and anxious forever. I remember telling Forrest that Jack wasn’t going to like me because he was just going to have a terrible mom who couldn’t take care of him. Looking back, I know that I was very depressed, but it was hard to accept during my pregnancy. I never really thought anyone noticed, but Forrest and my mom both will tell you that I was a completely different person than I was before pregnancy, or that I am now. It’s hard to recognize in yourself!
What To Do
I’m not a therapist or a doctor, obviously, but if you are experiencing symptoms of depression during pregnancy (or if you suspect someone you love is), the most important thing you can do is get help. I didn’t really do this, and I wish I had. I suffered in silence, when I didn’t need to. We came home to Colorado for Christmas, and that was the first time I really opened up to someone besides Forrest about how I was feeling, and it helped. I remember sitting in my parent’s living room, just sobbing uncontrollably to my mom and a few of my siblings. I think that was honestly the first time I cried since that first time in my doctor’s office, and after that, I did feel better. Not 100% (that didn’t come until about two weeks after Jack was born), but better. And after that, people knew I was hurting, and they helped me.
So, if you are experiencing depression, here are a few things you can do:
- Talk to your doctor. They can help you see what options there are for controlling depression, including recommending you talk to a therapist. It’s very important to tell your doctor how you are feeling, so you can determine the best course of action. If left untreated, depression in pregnancy can lead to lower
- Find someone to confide in. Feeling like you have no one to talk to or confide is the worst feeling, and you shouldn’t feel like you have to suffer alone. For me, having Forrest be as supportive as he was made a difference. I told him everything, and he was always understanding and there to encourage me (even when I would say ridiculous things, like I knew Jack was going to hate me.)
- Surround yourself with positive situations. I know, this is easier said than done. But if you recognize that you are depressed, think about the triggers. For me, staying up late reading articles about how babies ruined your life really wasn’t a good thing…crazy, right? Instead, I should have been looking at my real life examples — my siblings and parents — to see how having a child can (and will, if you let them) change your life for the better.
- Take one day at a time. Rome wasn’t built in a day. Take each day and try to do something that lifts you up.
- Exercise. Whenever I took the time to exercise, I did find that it lifted my spirit. There were many days where I didn’t want to
- Join a support group — either an in person, or an online one. There are a lot of women who have gone through depression, and want to help others. Sometimes it’s just nice to talk to someone who knows what you are going through. I do caution about online support groups — you can find great, uplifting information…but very negative, depressing information as well. Just be careful.
- Eating the right foods can help. Make sure you are eating healthy foods, plenty of amino acids, and healthy fats. And don’t forget your prenatal vitamin. (See more tips for a healthy pregnancy here.)
- I’m sure there are tons of different natural remedies and treatments…but I’m not sure what those would be! I imagine there’s some kind of essential oil out there.
- Get out in the sun! Most of my pregnancy took place in the dreary winter. Where we live, pregnant women are advised not to spend prolonged periods of time outside during the winter, because the pollution was so bad. So, I was pretty much inside all the time. We were also living in a not-so-nice apartment, which was depressing to be in hours on end.
Since I wrote this, I have gone through another pregnancy. I was so worried about struggling with depression again with another pregnancy. I didn’t know how I would cope if I did, since I now had a very busy three-year-old. During that pregnancy, I was nervous about having a second child, I did not experience the depression I had with Jack. I’m not entirely sure why – perhaps because this pregnancy was more planned, we were more financially stable, and I knew how to be a mother. But I was okay.
So if you are afraid of getting pregnant because of experiencing depression again, please know that it may not happen. That’s not to say that it won’t – and you, your partner, and physician need to be aware of the possibility. But not every pregnancy is the same.
To Anyone Suffering from Antepartum Depression
I want you to know that you are not alone. And that while feeling so much despair is hard, and oft times seems hopeless, it is surmountable. Don’t be like me — I wish I had asked for help, and talked to people more about how I was feeling. It is not something you have to go through alone. Even if you feel like you have no one, I truly believe that we are never alone, even in our darkest moments. I’m a very religious person, and some of my only solace came from prayer, and reading quotes and talks from religious leaders. I found this wonderful article about managing postpartum depression, though I found it very applicable to prenatal depression as well.
To end, I wanted to share a few quotes that always bring me hope. I know some people think that motivational quotes are silly, but for me, they bring me a lot of peace. And, to any of you who may be suffering, even if you don’t know me, feel free to send me an email. I’m more than willing to be a listening ear 🙂
This first one has been a quote I’ve turned to often since the first time I heard it in high school.
Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come. – Joseph B. Wirthlin
And this one gives me just so much hope. It reminds me that everyone around you is fighting a battle, whether you realize it or not.
At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes… We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. To all who so despair, may I offer the assurance of the Psalmist’s words: ‘Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning’ (Psalm 30:5). Whenever we are inclined to feel burdened down with the blows of life’s fight, let us remember that others have passed the same way, have endured, and then have overcome. — Thomas S. Monson
Katie is a Colorado-native, BYU graduated, and most importantly, wife to one and mother to three beautiful boys. She is passionate about sharing her experiences with others – especially about pregnancy, breastfeeding, cooking, and crafts. She is currently training to be a Certified Lactation Educator. She loves spending time with her family and helping others find joy in family life.
Alisha Lawrence says
Hey, I am 32 weeks First time pregnant now and having symptoms of prenatal depression. My main cause of depression is gender disappointment. I want a girl but I’m having a boy. And also this pregnancy was unplanned. I don’t know whom to talk to. Coz everybody is telling me it’s a blessing and I shouldn’t worry, but I can’t help my emotions.there are days I’m fine and there are those dark days that I get so numb.
I am so sorry you are going through this Alisha. Have you brought up your concerns with your doctor? If you need someone to talk to, you can always reach out to me!
Thanks dear,am suffering from much thoughts,I lost my baby at birth last year Jan,now am 17 weeks pregnant and terrified as I keep thinking about the other baby,my husband doesn’t look worried as I am, we are unable different worlds, your encouragement may keep me going,
My heart goes out to you <3 I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
Thank you Katie for sharing your story. I’m currently 21 weeks pregnant with my first and am having a much more difficult time than I ever could have imagined.
My husband and I were married in April of this year, went on our honeymoon and basically came back with a baby. We both wanted to have kids but were planning more for a year into our marriage not necessarily a week.
About the sixth week into my pregnancy I was diagnosed with hyperemesis gravidarum which is just the clinical term for sever morning sickness. At the time I was working as a corporate manager for an RV Golf and Country Club when I was diagnosed and it got to the point that while I was at work I was spending more time in the bathroom than at my desk. My husband and I made the decision that I needed to quit working for my own health and the health of the baby. So in three short days I went from running a multi million dollar business to sitting at home by myself trying everything I could to keep anything down, food and fluids alike.
I unfortunately spent many days at the ER for iv fluids and medication as that was my only relief. My husband would do his best to leave work and come sit with me so I didn’t have to be alone but it wasn’t always a possibility.
After weeks of asking my OB questions about what my body was going through I was eventually told I should just do my own research and figure it out and I think that’s when I began to loose interest.
My husband, family and friends have been nothing short of supportive and excited about this baby but I’m having a difficult time finding that in myself. Sure when baby moves or we see it in the sonogram my heart skips a beat and I am beyond excited to hold the little one but when those things aren’t going on I’m just alone and sad.
I have all of the fears that I’m doing something wrong, that my eating habits are wrong, my sleeping habits are wrong that is when I am able to sleep and I am just constantly doing everything wrong with this pregnancy.
We have since changed doctors actually we are at a midwifery now and they have been nothing short of supportive and encouraging but hearing your story and knowing that what I’m going through isn’t because my body is damaged in some way helps.
My sister was never this way with her two little ones and I often find myself asking out loud why do I have to be different? Why can’t I just have a normal pregnancy like hers?
We are due in February 2019 and I am honestly counting down the days not only to be able to hold our little one and see the face of our blessing but to get back to the person I was before the pregnancy and all these hormones.
Again thank you for sharing your story and listening to mine. This is the first time I have put “pen to paper” per say and it has lifted my spirits in just the time it took me to get it all out.
Oh Aleena, my heart goes out to you! Your story sounds so much like my own, and I wish I could just give you a big hug. It’s so hard when you know the way you are feeling isn’t “normal”, but you can’t get out of it. Looking back over the past six years since my oldest was born, I wish I could go back to my pregnant self and tell me that it would all be so much better than I ever could have imagined. And I know you will have the same experience. But that doesn’t discount what you are going through right now! Please know that my thoughts are with you, and if you ever need anyone to talk to, you can absolutely email me. I hope that the next few months go by very quickly 🙂
Thank you so much for this article. It was exactly what I needed to ask for help.
I’m so glad – I hope that you are feeling better!
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I don’t really know what I am experiencing at the moment but a lot of what you said, I found myself saying wow that’s how I have been feeling but could not put it into words. I never thought it was depression. I always thought that it was normal. I tried talking to some people about it and I just felt it made it worse. They made me feel like I was crazy shouldn’t feel that way. I was a very happy outgoing, up beat girl who loved life and loved everyone. Always found the good in every single situation- till I got pregnant. I guess the light I have to keep looking for is the day I give birth and pray that things get better.
Thank you so much for writing your pregnancy experience. Perhaps you are write I am not alone. It was hard for me as well to cope with news that I am pregnant, I got married 7 months ago in Feb 17, and pregnant in April. I had age pressure so never thought It will be that easy, but I am blessed dont want to be unthankful to God for great gift. Went through a lot of emotions from crying to feeling angry, have ongoing relationship problems which I would really like to discuss with you. My situation is affecting the baby’s growth ( 16weeks pregnant) and my relationship with my husband. I look forward talking to you.
Thank you for this article. It made me sad to read it but also realived that I did. I’m struggling with a lot of emotions and don’t know what to do about it but your words and cuotes helped me to think about a lot of things and maybe put the first step to share it with my husband. God bless you. Kind regards. Filipa (from Holland)
Hi, Filipa: I’m glad that you found some comfort from my post. I do hope that you can start feeling better soon – confiding in someone can make a world of difference. Let me know if ever need someone to talk to!
Faith Oliver-Tan says
This article really helps me to understand what’s Im going through…. Since my adolescent I suspect myself being a bipolar but I’m to afraid to seek professional help. And now I’m 28 and having a baby I dream about, I’m always anxious if my 12weeks baby is still ok inside I actually bought a stethoscope to monitor the heartbeat…. My husband is too busy so I don’t have anyone to talk about how I feel right now. Oftentimes I felt alone and losing reason to live, but every time I felt my tummy starting to form I can see hope. Your article makes me realise how I affecting my child. It really helps a lot.
I’m so sorry you are struggling so much. Please reach out to your medical provider – they want to (and can) help you <3
Thank you for sharing your story. I am currently 6 weeks and was on zoloft until i found put i was pregnant. I quit cold turkey, i was fine for about a week but all came spiraling down fast and bad. I’ve decided to continue on zoloft at an extremely low dose and also saw a counselor today to see if i can find coping strategies to help me this pregnancy. I’m feeling awful but i know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Hi, Kaylin. I’m so sorry you are having such a hard time! I hope things will get better soon. If you need anyone to talk to, I’m always here!
Katie jo says
Katie could you email me? I need that listening ear!
Yes! I will email you now 🙂
Found your article on pinterest. This is my 2nd pregnancy. This time is a surprise. I dealt with a lot of emotions over the past week. Do I keep the baby or not? My first pregnancy was planned and I have to say it was great. I have social anxiety issues but while pregnant I felt amazing and high on life (could have been all the attention I was getting too.) But after having baby I went through PPD for a couple years. I went to my naturopath for help, but the supplements didn’t work completely. And for some reason I thought if they’re not working I guess nothing is going to. I was too scared too try anti-depressants. With the 2nd pregnancy I feel different mostly because it’s a surprise. I’m worried about the financial strain a child may cause, having to deal with diapers again and being home alone with baby all day. My 3 yr old daughter was a wonderful baby but also very clingy. She always wanted to be held meaning it was hard to get any house work done. I have to remember the positives though. I loved our connection through breastfeeding and being able to read novels! Carrying her in the ergo. Smiles, laughs, firsts!
I ran across this article on pinterest and thank goodness I did. I am currently 12 weeks pregnant with my 2nd baby but the first one with my fiance and it has been so hard. All we do is fight about him not wanting me and him cheating. It’s all that’s on my mind. If I can’t stop thinkingaboutit he will walk away. And he is the only person in my life. I love him more than anything. I don’t have family and I just moved to a different state to be with him and I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life but this is getting serious as I have tried to kill myself in the last couple weeks. I can’t lose my fiance and I don’t know how to deal with the thoughts I’m having. Someone help please. There are reasons why I am always thinking he is cheating but he swears he’s not but he doesn’t want to fight about the same stuff everytime. He’s going to leave me and I’m terrified
Holly Greet says
Thank you for this! Ive suffered from depression my entire life. My on gym took me off my antidepressants when I became pregnant. There was no weaning it was sudden. It’s a wonder I didn’t commit suicide. The depression was horrendous. If that wasn’t bad enough I had some complications with the pregnancy, had difficulty working, was having financial issues, and did not have a supportive spouse. Thankfully, for my next pregnancy I had a new dr who didn’t believe in being barbaric. She understood depression and said there was no medical reason for me NOT to have antidepressants during pregnancy. That pregnancy was 100 times better. Again, thank you for helping to bring.g awareness.
Katelyn F says
Such a great and moving post Katie! And I’m sure so very helpful to a lot of women! I never suffered pregnancy depression, I don’t think… I think it can be hard because some of those symptoms you mentioned are also just generally chalked up to pregnancy symptoms.
Thank you Katelyn! I’m glad you enjoyed it. I do think it’s hard to know whether depression in pregnancy is simply just the fluxations in emotions during pregnancy, or something more!
Katie's mom says
So well said, Katie! Reading your experience from start to finish made me cry, but I’m very proud of you. I know your words will have a positive and lasting effect on many women. Sometimes all we need is the hope that comes from knowing that someone else understands.
This made me so sad to read =( I knew that you were not yourself but I had no idea the extent of it. I still remember when we had your baby shower and you sat in the corner with a blank look on your face most of the time =( You are such a great mommy to Jack. I am so sorry that you had to go through the depression that you did, but I am so proud of you for sharing your story to help others. Love you!!